Francis Reportedly Considering Obama for Sainthood


It’s the responsibility of every pontiff to review and study reports of those very few people around the world that have supposedly been witness to have seen an individual perform “miracles.”

Should the Voice of God on Earth feel that three miracles have been adequately demonstrated, that person may be canonized as a Saint in the eyes of the church, now and forever.

Oh, you almost had it Kirk. It was all the masturbating. It was all the masturbating to Amy Grant that did it.

According to inside reports from the Vatican, the newest person to be under consideration for the blessings of Sainthood is none other than our own former President Barack Obama, whom the Pope has remarked more than once that he views as an “exceptional man, of great spirituality and conviction.”

Cardinal Joeseph Barron of Italy’s Order of the Sacred Dwarf says that Francis has assigned a large portion of the clergy under his watch to determine Obama’s eligibility.

“The Holy Father considers Mr. Obama to be a unique and enlightened man.  He’s many times spoken of the Affordable Care Act providing millions of Americans with health coverage for the first time in their lives a modern miracle.

Skillfully outmaneuvering a fully obnoxious and racist Republican Congress in order to care for the people.  That’s akin to a victory against evil.  His Netflix interview with David Letterman very much impressed the pontiff as well.  That’s two.  We’re awaiting any new reports with baited breath and statue carvers.”

Obama has not yet responded personally to rumors of the honor, but it has caused Fox television host Sean Hannity to burst all but 17 of the blood vessels within his body.  He is currently resting uncomfortably, folded into a baby’s crib at a local hospital.

Judge Jeanine Pirro has stayed by his side shrieking bitchy things into his ear. He likes that.

Do you believe that President Obama is worthy to be the next in the Pantheon of Christianity to hear the prayers of the unwashed?

It’s certainly likely to be yet another job that he can do and Trump cannot.