Michelle Obama To Be New Face of Victoria’s Secret


In the world of women’s fashion, Victoria’s Secret is a juggernaut.

Earning billions last year from their mail-order and internet sales, along with their successful retail store franchises, it’s a company that constantly dominates the Fortune 500.  And now, First Lady Michelle Obama will be the public face of that institution.

Many people don’t know that Eric Trump is actually the public face of Johnson & Johnson’s intrauterine pregnancy avoidance devices.

In a contract rumored to net her upwards of eleventy-three million dollars a year, the bestselling author will be featured in print, television, and Facebook advertisements, as well as live chats and meet and greets at various outlets.

Company spokesperson Mona Rounddick explained why Obama was the top choice :

“She’s powerful, successful, strong, intelligent and sexy – everything we want Victoria’s Secret to represent.  Except urging kids to eat broccoli.  We’re just gonna keep that part on the down low.  The campaign is gonna be massive, and we certainly hope that conservatives, who think it’s a funny joke to pretend she’s transgender will see it everywhere and tear off their own penises.”

Meanwhile, it’s estimated that over two hundred thousand conservative Republican males over 50 have masturbated to Rupaul.

The campaign begins this week with full-page advertisements in Elle, Cosmopolitan, People, Highlights, and Fashion Bitch magazines.

Now, as a special unrelated addition, a report from the now-defunct Martian rover :

Guys? I can’t move.  The claw’s not moving.  I don’t have almost any power guys.  Guys.  It’s all sand and rocks.  Every day.  All day.  I thought I saw a bird once but It was just a sandy rock.  I can’t move guys.   Is someone else coming?  I can’t boot up.  Hello?