Michelle Obama To Host New Year’s Eve Ball Drop


It’s a long-held American tradition: the dropping of a giant festive ball to countdown the coming of the new year in New York’s famous Times Square.  Formerly hosted by luminary Dick Clark, the duties moved to popular host of the morning show “Gay Guy and Milf”, Ryan Seacrest.  This year, however, ABC television has chosen to feature former First Lady, bestselling author, and potato exciter Michelle Obama to handle the duties of guiding the country to celebrate the Big Ball.

Seacrest has always added an exuberant lick of fun to ball festivities.

Although Seacrest has not been completely sacked by the network, he will not be the main host of the event.  While Mrs. Obama provides on-air commentary to narrate the gentle descent of the ornate sphere into the very hands and joyous mouths of New York’s citizenry, Seacrest will juggle on-the-street massaging of the rough and soft opinions of onlookers and guests.  The segment will be sponsored by Tetley’s teabags.

“Tetley’s- they’re perfect for when you want to really look like a douchebag.”

The First Lady is reportedly “tickled” to be able to handle the weighty responsibility of manipulating the underpinnings of the night, and during test-screenings, has shown great dexterity combined with a gentle manupative ability to caress the psyche of the ball’s fans.  Mrs. Obama will begin milking the meat of the evening’s festivities at 4 P.M. Eastern time on December 31st.